Afterwards
by Lepidissima
Summary: A semi-angst oneshot. After his death, Snape talks to Lily.


When I first opened my eyes, I couldn't see clearly. Everything was shrouded in a heavy fog, thick but not unfriendly. I realized I was lying on my side on dew-damp grass. I got to my feet, peering around, and as did so, the fog cleared. I discovered that I was in a sort of meadow, mostly grass with some small trees and bushes scattered here and there. I reached in my robes for my wand.

"_Expecto patronum_," I murmured, and the bright silver doe burst from my wand, tossing her head, cantering silently next to me. I was glad for the company. Uncertain of what to do next, I decided to walk until I reached another person, or until something of interest happened.

I don't know how long I walked. Time seemed to work differently. At some point I paused and stared down at my hands, felt my face and hair. I saw that there was a pool nearby, and knelt to look at myself. It was difficult to judge, but I appeared to be younger, perhaps twenty years old. I stood and walked on.

"Severus?"

That voice...the last time I properly heard that voice was the end of my world. Nerves tingling, I turned around, holding out my wand just in case.

"Severus?" It rang out again.

"Hello?" I called, feeling stupid. "Who's there?"

I turned, and then I saw her, young and radiant as ever. Next to me, my Patronus exploded, dissolving in a cloud of bluish dust. She smiled, all red hair and light and brilliant emerald eyes. She was a short distance away, and walking closer.

As usual, I couldn't find the right words to speak.

"Hello," she said as she neared me.

In a moment I crossed the remaining space between us, and I grabbed her and held on to her as tightly as I could. She hugged me back. I kept my eyes shut, feeling her in my arms, inhaling the scent of her, solid and breathing.

"Lily, I'm so sorry," I whispered.

A moment – or a decade – later, we broke apart. Lily looked at me kindly and said, "I forgive you."

"But James – "

"Don't worry about him. He's grown up now."

Half of me wondered where he was. The other half didn't care.

A short, but not unpleasant, pause. And then Lily said, "I saw the snake get you."

I tried not to scowl. "Voldemort," I muttered.

Lily didn't say anything. I watched her green eyes flicker; I wondered what she was thinking.

I asked, "How did you see me?"

"We can see Earth," she said. "Everyone can see it differently here. You'll find out."

I didn't really care. I just wanted Lily. And somehow I found myself telling her what she probably knew all along. "I love you, Lily. I always have."

Lily smiled again. "Severus," she said. "I love you too. Not quite the same way you love me. And not the same way I love James."

"You pity me."

"I don't. I know you better than that. You've always been special to me. And I need to thank you."

"For what, exactly?"

"For protecting Harry all these years," Lily said. "You did brilliantly. Thank you so much, I mean it."

I smiled slightly, happy for a moment until reality set back in. "It doesn't matter though. He has to die tonight."

Lily's face clouded over and she sighed. "Yes, Dumbledore warned me not too long ago."

So that old bastard was here too, somewhere. "It's all going to waste," I said, "all that time, in vain."

Lily shook her head. "It may seem that way. But it's not, I promise."

"But it is!" I burst out childishly. "All that time without you, for nothing! Seventeen long years you've left me all alone!" I was working myself up into an embarrassing rage. But I kept shouting. "Even more than those seventeen years – the minute you ran off with him, I – "

"I never left you, Severus," Lily said urgently, "not really – you walked away, you started using Dark magic, you always hated Muggle-borns, it was you who – "

"Don't blame me!" Yellow sparks shot out of my wand, popping and fizzling. "It was not my fault – "

"Severus, stop!" Lily cried.

I turned away from her and let out a strangled, indistinct shout and took aim at one of the little trees. Orange fire gushed out of my wand, hot in my hand, and engulfed the sorry-looking branches.

It was quiet except for the crackling of the wood. I turned back to Lily, breathing hard, desperate. "You have absolutely no idea," I said in a low voice, "how much you hurt me." I tried not to look as ashamed as I felt. Here I was, finally getting to see Lily again, and I was acting as immature as ever.

Lily looked at me, as if she was afraid to come too close. "Severus," she whispered. "I'm sorry."

"It doesn't matter," I spat.

"Severus – "

"Don't," I snarled. "I don't want your sympathy."

Lily closed her eyes briefly. "Look," she said, "I was so confused, I didn't know – "

"Lily," I interrupted her again, "whatever you say now, it doesn't change anything – it doesn't. You and James Potter's son is going to die tonight and there's nothing we can do about it."

We were silent. The tree continued to burn.

"Walk with me," she said. I gripped my wand and took a deep breath. And we walked without speaking for a little while.

"I don't understand you," I said. "You used to be my best friend."

"I know," Lily said sorrowfully. "I felt so guilty. I still do. I always loved you, you know, even when I hated you."

"But you refused to forgive me. You chose James." I couldn't keep the accusatory tone out of my voice.

"Yes," Lily said softly. "He seemed better for me. Maybe if things were different..." Her voice trailed off. She reached out and took my hand.

A myriad of questions exploded in my head. I voiced none of them. We were both quiet until we reached a willow tree. Lily stopped and turned to face me.

"What do you want, Severus?" she asked gently.

It took a moment to sink in. "You already know what I want."

"Stop keeping it all inside. Let it out. Tell me."

I shut my eyes and said slowly, "I want you to leave James and stay with me." I opened my eyes and looked at her worried face. "I always have, and I always will."

A heartbeat of silence, and then she leaned in and kissed me.


End file.
